Pokemon: Black Version
by xXsuccessionofmidnightXx
Summary: Join Hilda-er Touka? Uh… White, on her quest to save Unova from Team Plasma and a hypocritical hipster. Her stupid friends, a molesting Oshawott, a pedophiliac professor and a stoner aren't really much help on her stupid journey across the region.


Summary: _Join Hilda-er Touka? Uh… White, on her quest to save Unova from Team Plasma and a hypocritical hipster. Her stupid friends, a molesting Oshawott, a pedophiliac professor and a stoner aren't really much help on her stupid journey across the region._

Genre: Parody/Humor

A/N: _I'm sure that there are WAY more funny parodies of Pokemon Black/White. However, I'm just writing this because I'm bored and have nothing better to do. Enjoy if you like weird humor? Also, this is going to focus on Pokemon Black since I only have that version._

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Chapter 1: Our first Pokemon!

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A woman who looked about twenty-something years old walked into a house; carrying a huge, blue box. When she entered, another women who was sitting in the living room smiled at her.

"Hellooooo White's Mom!" She said in a happy tone.

"Uh, Professor Juniper? I do have a name you know?"

Professor Juniper chuckled at her statement. "Of course you do. Anyway, where's White? I have a gift for her and her friends. And by gift I mean work that she and her friends can do for me."

"Ah, she's probably upstairs watching porn or something. I'll go get her for you."

She turned her head to the stairs and took a deep breath. "WHITE! GET YOUR FAT ASS DOWN HERE!" She yelled.

"My ass is so not fat!"

A young girl yelled as she ran down the stairs. She had curly, brown hair pulled up into a high ponytail that was coming out of her white cap. She wore a white spaghetti strap with a long, black no sleeves cardigan. She was also wearing a pari of short shorts even though it was the middle of fucking winter and to finish off her look, a pair of black combat boots with pink laces. This girl was known as White.

As soon as White saw Juniper, she paled.

"Oh god what is she doing here? I thought I filed a restraining order against her." She said as she walked closer to her mom.

The professor ignored this and asked her mother,

"How old is White turning?"

White's mom began to count on her fingers. After five minutes of adding and subtracting her mom answered,

"Three years old I believe."

White stomped on her mother's foot. "I'm fourteen you dumb fuck! FOURTEEN!"

The mother and daughter began to duke it out in the middle of the living room floor. Professor Juniper was under some kind of an illusion that the two were still listening to her.

"Fourteen huh? I guess that's old enough. White, pay close attention. Inside this box are three pokemon for you and your friends. It's time for the three of you to go on an epic journey across a large region with no parents watching you. Who knows, maybe you'll get eaten by some wild pokemon or get raped by a well… rapist! Either way, it's an epic journey. So I'll just put this in your room."

She walked up the stairs to White's room and placed the box on her desk. Looking around, she stole a pair of thongs from her underwear drawer and stuffed it in her lab coat pocket. She then ran out of the house and back to her lab. By the time Juniper had left, the fight was over. White began to limp to her room to cover up the cuts and bruises on her face. After fixing her hair and covering her bruises, she noticed a large blue box on her desk.

"What the hell? Where did that come from?"

"Professor Juniper delivered it." Her next door neighbor, Cheren said as he crawled out from the bed.

"HOLY SHIT! How the fuck did you get under there."

"Not important. I heard that there are some pokemon in there? Is that true?"

White pointed to big lettering on the box that said, **POKEMON FOR WHITE AND FRIENDS.**

"…Oh. Well, um, where's Bianca?"

White snorted. "How the fuck am I suppose to know? I'm not her damn secretary."

"Ah, well knowing her she's probably spacing out."

Soon, the two heard footsteps racing up the stairs. A girl with short blond hair and big boobs came into White's room.

"Am I late? Sooo so-ooo-orry." She had a valley girl accent when she spoke.

White rolled her eyes while Cheren went up to her.

"Bianca… I've known you for ten years and I know that you have no sense of time."

She nodded her head. "Uh-huh. Go on?"

"Today is the day we finally get pokemon from Professor Juniper!"

"Ohh…. jeez. I did say I was sorry." She pouted as she walked up to White.

"Well anyways… let's open up the box."

"Ooooo! I call first pick! Pretty please? !" Bianca said as she jumped up and down making her massive boob bounce. White was too busy staring at them to answer.

"No Bianca. It's White's birthday, she should get first pick."

White ripped her eyes away from Bianca's boobs and walked over the box. "I don't know why everyone keeps on saying that. It's not even my birthday but whatever."

"Oh just shut up and take a pokemon." He snapped.

She rolled her eyes and read the card that was on top of the box.

_I worked my ass off trying to get theses pokemon for you. So you're welcome. Also I except something in return from you White. You know what I want, that sweet ass of yours. ;)_

_-Professor Juniper_

White shivered and ripped the note in half. She then eagerly opened the box and saw three pokeballs with labels on them. In the middle was a pokemon called Tepig. To the right was a Snivy and to the left was a Oshawott. White took the Oshawott. 'I could probably make some money by making him do cute stuff. Idiots fall for cute stuff.'

"Awww, I wanted the Oshawott. Well whatever, I'll take this one! Cheren you can have that pokemon." She said as she took Tepig.

"Hey! Who says that you can pick out my pokemon?"

White rolled her eyes. "You didn't have much of a choice anyways, you were just too slow to pick one."

"Oh never mind." Cheren said, pretending that he didn't hear what White said. "I wanted a Snivy."

Bianca walked up to White and gave her a smile. "Hey! Since we finally have our pokemon let's battle White!"

There was a moment of silence.

"… Why?"

"It'll be fun silly!"

"No… I mean why in MY room, you're gonna fuck it up. Let's do it outside."

"GO TEPIG!" She yelled, summoning an orange, pig-like pokemon.

Seeing that she couldn't convince Bianca to have the battle outside, she said 'What the fuck' and summoned her pokemon.

"Go Oshawott!"

The little otter pokemon looked around the room, a bit confused with his new surroundings.

"Alright Oshawott! Use water gun!"

The little pokemon turned to White and gave her a blank stare.

"Umm…. ok then? Aquajet?"

No response, just a blank stare.

"Growl?"

Still giving her the blank stare.

White stomped her foot in frustration. "Tackle! Please tell me you know tackle!"

He rolled his eyes and rammed into the orange pig. White couldn't help but to smile and jump for joy when her pokemon attacked.

"Ah! Tepig use tailwhip.!"

"Pfffft. What's that gonna do? Tackle Oshawott!"

After delivering the second tackle, White began to notice that Tepig was growing weak. She guessed that one more hit will make it faint.

"Alright! One last time Oshawott! Tackle!"

"T-tepig use tackle too!"

The orange pig was first to hit Oshawott, yet Oshawott was able to hit Tepig. Causing the pig to faint.

"Yes! I won!"

"The pokemon on both sides did their best!" Bianca said as she handed her 500 dollars.

"Yeah, yeah whatever makes you fall asleep at night."

Bianca returned her pokemon and said, "Wow… White you're going to be an awesome trainer someday, I can tell!"

White took off her cap and ran her hand through her hair. "I know, I'm just that awesome." She said with a smug smile.

"Uhh…"

"What is it Cheren?" White asked, a bit annoyed that he ruined her victory moment.

"Why don't you two look around?"

WHite could only open her mouth and look around in horror. Her room was a fucking mess. There were foot prints all over the walls and floor. Her desk was knocked over and her T.V. had a huge crack on its screen. Her garbage was knocked over along with its contents all over the floor and her plant was also knocked over to the floor. Bianca jumped when she saw the huge mess.

"Wh-whoa!" Said Bianca. "What happened?"

She then turned to what with an amazed look on her face. "Wooooow. Pokemon are, like, sooo strong!"

White didn't respond. She was still looking at her room with a horrified expression on her face. Bianca blushed in embarrassment and fixed her green cap.

"Oh, sorry about your room White."

Cheren rolled his black eyes as he took her pokeball out of her hands.

"You are completely hopeless. Here, let me heal your pokemon."

After Cheren was done healing both of their pokemon, an idea passed their Bianca's head."

"Cheren, you should like totally have a battle."

Cheren smiled at the idea. "That sounds like a great idea!"

"Alright White! Prepare to…. uh? White?"

Finally, she let out a scream.

"MY ROOOOOOOOM!"

Bianca frowned. "I said I was sorry."

"Sorry? Sorry doesn't clean my room! Sorry doesn't fix_** MY BRAND NEW T.V. THAT COSTED MORE THEN YOUR LIFE!**_ Sorry doesn't-"

Bianca put up her hands. "Alright, alright! I get it! I'll go tell your mom after the fight."

"Fine. Whatever."

Cheren sent out his Snivy while White sent Oshawott out of his ball.

"Alright Snivy! Tackle!"

"You do the same Oshawott!"

"Snivy! Leer!"

"Tackle Oshawott."

Oshawott's tackle seemed to be strong, Snivy looked weaker after that one hit. White smiled, looks like she was going to get another win. And another win meant more money to White.

"Leer once again!"

"Tackle one last time!"

After Snivy fainted, Oshawott faintly glowed a weird blue color. White ignored it, thinking that it was probably nothing.

"Ah. So that's how pokemon battle!" He said as he handed White 500 dollars. Cheren then turned to Bianca.

"Come on Bianca. Let's go apologize to White's mom."

"Ok!" She said happily, skipping after Cheren.

Before White could follow them, she heard someone clear their throat.

"I say, that was quite the smashing battle." A voice that sounded very similar to Professor Layton's.

White turned around and saw that her Oshawott was still out of it's ball. Thinking that it was her computer or something, White ignored the voice and was ready to summon Oshawott back to his ball. He quickly took a step back and gave the ball a glare.

"Get that disgusting thing out of my face."

"SHIT!" She fall over in shock.

"You can talk? You're a pokemon! Pokemon can't talk… well except for Meowth. But that's an anime, so in other words you shouldn't be able to talk! You should growl or repeat your name like a fucking retard."

"I say, that is completely racist my dear. I can assure you that other pokemon can talk, it's just not that common."

"Gee, ya think. Wait, why didn't you talk earlier?"

"What? So that your friends could send me to that lunatic professor? I'm not that stupid."

White shrugged. Couldn't argue with him there. Professor Juniper is crazy, so she couldn't blame him if he didn't want to go back to her.

"Here, why don't you go in this ball and we can pretend that this whole thing never happened."

Oshawott took another step back and hissed. "I think not! Carry me."

"What?"

"I said to carry me! What are you, deaf or stupid?"

"Why should I carry you? You might be all disgusting and slimy."

Oshawott patted his chest. "I can promise you that my bobby is 100 percent fur. I can keep you all nice and warm."

Well, if he could keep her all warm then she might was well carry him. She picked up the pokemon and was surprise to find him light. Oshawott, meanwhile, sighed in disappointed.

"I see. So you only have an ass and no boobs. Pity."

"What?" She sheriked. "For your information, I have a b-cup! No one has complained about my chest…."

"Well, I suppose I'll make due with it. Anyways, let's press on!"

White rolled her eyes. She then walked down the stairs and was surprised to find that her two friends were gone. 'Good riddance.' She thought when she walked up to her mom.

"Your friends went to Professor Juniper's lab. Now get your ass out of my house."

"Whatever, didn't even want to be in that dump of a place." She murmured as she threw her pink messenger bag over her shoulders.

Before White could walk out of the house her mom called out, "White! Don't forget your Xtransceiver!"

"My what?" She asked as she turned around.

Her mom chucked the pink device towards her head. "Ow! Bitch!" She said as she rubbed her head.

Before walking outside White looked at the Xtransceiver and examined the odd device. "When the fuck did I get this?" She ask as she put it around her wrist.

"I do say that you two don't have the best relationship."

"Gee, you think?" She in a sarcastic voice.

"Well, you don't have to be a totally Twat. Now let's go outside."

"Don't boss me around!"

As soon as White opened the door, she was greeted by a blast of cold air. She began to shiver as soon as she closed the door behind her. Thankfully, it wasn't snowing, it was just too cold to wear shorts.

"_Holy balls_! It's _freezing_ out here!"

Oshawott frowned. "Well, what do you except. It is the middle of winter."

"Sh-shut up. Fashion senses more important."

The otter pokemon let out a sigh and shook his head. It's not even a day yet and he was already tired of his owner. "Well, let's just go to Juniper's lab."

"A-agreed!"

When she finally reached the lab (really, it was just a one minute walk), White saw Cheren blocking the entrance. She groaned, frustrated that the nerd was standing outside. Cheren looked up and waved to White, she would've rolled her eyes at him if she wasn't so cold.

"Ah, White, there you are! Bianca is probably at her house spacing out."

"Alright, I can take the hint. I need to go get her."

Cheren nodded. "Ah… good then. I'll…. just wait out here. All alone…"

She gave him a weird look and began to walk away as fast as she could.

"So who's Bianca might I ask?"

White chattered her teeth before answering. "The blond with the big boobs."

"She had big knockers? How could I not have noticed that?"

"Don't know, don't care."

The pokemon was starting to get angry. "You don't have to be such a pain in the arse."

"Well you don't have to talk!"

"WELL YOU DON"T HAVE TO YELL!"

White growled. "I'm starting to like you less."

"Likewise."

There was a moment of silence between the two. Once they reached Bianca's house, White slowly opened the door.

"You know… this chapter could use a plot twist. Since fucking nothing happened."

"I concur."

As if on cue, the two heard shouting and the sound of a beer bottle crashing. White opened the door and let out a gasp. Bianca was-.

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CLIFFHANGER BITCHES!

Ha, anyways review or suffer the wrath of English Oshawott, mwhahahahha.


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